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What to Do (and NOT Do) When a Student Escalates

• Episode 278

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📅 September Behavior Series – Week 3

Hey there, and welcome back to the Special Education for Beginners podcast! This is the third episode in our September series all about behavior—because if you’ve worked in special education for more than a week, you know behavior is part of the job. But how we respond makes all the difference.

In this episode, I walk you through what to do (and what not to do) when a student is escalating. Whether it’s shouting, shutting down, crying, pacing, or full-blown meltdowns—you’ll leave this episode with clear, actionable strategies to stay calm, respond wisely, and preserve your relationship with the student.

🔥 You'll Learn:

  • What escalation really looks like (and why it’s not always loud)
  • 5 things NOT to do during a behavior spike (that we often do anyway!)
  • 7 regulation-based strategies that help bring students back down
  • Why your calm matters more than the perfect response
  • The importance of teaching regulation before you need it
  • And why behavior is always communication

đź’ˇ Don’t forget: Even the best strategies fail if we don’t model and teach them during calm moments. 

🎧 Mentioned in This Episode:

✅ Episode 226 – 7 Proactive Strategies to Prevent Behaviors Before They Start
✅ Episode 227 – How the Brain Impacts Behavior with Guest Sam Parmalee

🛠️ Featured Resource:
Sometimes students don’t know how to express how they’re feeling—or even what they’re feeling. This Manage My Mood tool helps students reflect on their strengths, triggers, and emotions, while giving you insight to support them proactively. The resource includes:

  • Strengths & triggers checklist
  • Reflection forms
  • Graphing tools
  • Blank & colored Feelings Thermometers

🚨 Limited Time Offer: This product is 50% off right now! Grab it while it’s marked down!

📢 Let’s Connect
If you found this episode helpful, share it with a fellow educator or leave a review on your favorite podcast platform—it helps so much!

📬 Join my newsletter for more tools, strategies, and special offers: https://www.spedprepacademy.com/podcast 

Sign up to be notified each time a new episode airs and get access to all the discounts!

Don't forget to leave a review of the show!

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Speaker 1:

Hey there, welcome back to Special Education for Beginners. I'm so glad you're here for the third episode in our September series all about behavior. If this is your first time listening, welcome. I am Jennifer, your host, and a longtime special education teacher, current instructional coach and a passionate advocate for helping you feel confident and equipped in your role. All month long we've been focusing on behavior because September is prime time for building the habits, systems and responses that can either support student success or leave you feeling like you are putting out fires all year long. In the first episode we talked about seven proactive strategies you can use to prevent behaviors before they even start, and then last week we were joined by the incredible Sam Parmalee to talk about brain-based regulation how understanding the brain's fight, flight or freeze response can completely shift how we support our students. And that leads us perfectly into this week's episode, because even when you do everything right, behaviors still happen, escalation still occurs, and how we respond in those moments matters a lot. So today we're going to walk through exactly what to do and what not to do when a student is escalating. Let's get to it. Hey, special educator, are you overwhelmed by the absurd amount of paperwork on your to-do list. Do you wish you had the skills to build a rock-solid team with your staff? Do you find yourself scouring the internet for how to meet the needs of each student on your caseload? Well, hey there. I'm Jennifer Hofferberg, an award-winning veteran special education teacher and current instructional coach, who has walked in your shoes through each of these challenges and, yes, I have the metaphorical blisters to prove it. I have cried your tears and felt your pain, and now I'm here to support you in the way I wish someone would have been there to support me. Listen in each week as my guests and I dish out practical wisdom to help you handle all the classroom curveballs that are thrown at you and learn how to laugh in spite of the chaos, to celebrate those small yet significant victories that only a special educator can understand. So are you ready? Wipe your tears and put on your superhero cape, because together we are going to learn how to survive and thrive in the ever crazy, completely overwhelming laugh. So you don't cry. Profession of being a special education teacher.

Speaker 1:

So first I want to define what we mean when we say a student is escalating. Escalation can look different depending on the student, but in general it's when a student's behavior is intensifying emotionally, physically or verbally. You might see things like raised voices or yelling, arguing or refusing, pacing, clenched fists, destruction of materials, withdrawal, shutdowns, tears, panic, hyperventilating, whining, complaining or even what some call quiet defiance, where the student just completely disengages. But you can clearly see that something's wrong with them At this point. Their emotional brain and we learned the scientific name last week from Sam the amygdala is running the show. They are not in their logical, rational decision-making state, and the worst thing you can do in this moment is expect them to be able to reason with you. So let's start with what not to do in these situations. These are the things we often do instinctively, especially when we feel stressed or challenged ourselves, but they usually, if not always, make the situation worse.

Speaker 1:

First, don't raise your voice. Matching their volume might feel like you are asserting control, but it only adds fuel to the fire. Escalated students don't need you to be louder. They need you to be calmer. Raising your voice activates their nervous system even more, making it harder for them to return to a regulated state. Instead, lower your voice and make it slower. It signals safety and stability. And make it slower, it signals safety and stability.

Speaker 1:

Two, don't take it personally. Even if a student says something that stings or they lash out in your direction, it's not truly about you. It's about whatever internal or external stressors they are experiencing and their inability to regulate those emotions in that moment. Taking it personally can cloud your judgment, make you defensive and shift your focus from helping the student to protecting your ego. The third one is don't argue or try to reason. We are trained as teachers to use our words to guide and teach, but during escalation reasoning won't work. That prefrontal cortex, the part that is responsible for logic, cause and effect and decision making, is essentially offline. It's checked out. Trying to talk them through it with logic only increases frustration on both sides. So save the debriefing for when they are calm and receptive.

Speaker 1:

The fourth is don't demand compliance mid-crisis, compliance mid-crisis. We want students to follow directions, but in the heat of escalation, rigid demands like you will sit down right now or you need to stop this instant can create a power struggle. When kids are dysregulated, power struggles become battles that no one wins. Instead, focus on de-escalation first and then revisit those expectations once they are calm. Instead, focus on de-escalation first and then revisit those expectations once they are calm. And then, number five don't use sarcasm or threats. Sarcasm might be second nature for some adults, especially when we are stressed or trying to lighten the mood, but it almost always misses the mark in these situations. Escalated students interpret sarcasm as mocking or disrespectful, which deepens the divide. In a similar way, threats like if you don't stop it, you're going to lose recess for a week may gain short-term compliance, but long-term they harm trust and safety. So remember, make those connections over having that control. So what should you do instead?

Speaker 1:

When a student is dysregulated, they need a calm, consistent and compassionate adult more than anything else. These strategies help you become that anchor in the storm who is guiding them towards safety without fueling the fire. Stay calm and stay regulated. Your calm will be contagious. Even if you're faking it at first, your steady presence can help signal to the student's nervous system that they are safe. This doesn't mean you feel calm because more than likely on the inside you are just as dysregulated as the student, but it means you choose calm, think, slow breaths, controlled body language and a soft face. If you need to tap out and let a team member step in, that's okay too.

Speaker 1:

Regulated adults regulate kids and then use minimal language In moments of crisis, less is more. Their brains can't process lengthy explanations or instructions, so keep your words simple and supportive. Use short phrases like I'm here, take a breath, let's go to the break area. You're safe, I care about you. I understand you are upset. Avoid explaining or lecturing. Your tone and presence matter more than the actual words you're saying, and if you don't know what to say, just stay quiet. Use that quiet time to gain control of yourself so the student can borrow your calm until they can find their own. Gain control of yourself so the student can borrow your calm until they can find their own.

Speaker 1:

Another one is to lower your tone and your volume. When students are escalated, loud voices and sharp tones feel threatening. Even if you're trying to help, raising your voice adds to their stress. So use a soft, steady and neutral tone. It tells their brain this person is safe, I don't have to fight.

Speaker 1:

The next one is to use visuals or signals. Verbal instructions can feel overwhelming when a student is in fight or flight mode. Nonverbal cues like a calm down card, a visual choice board or even just pointing to a quiet corner can help. These tools offer structure without pressure and they allow the student to make choices without needing to speak or process complex directions, and then give space if it's needed. If a student pulls away, don't follow them or hover over them. That can feel threatening and that can escalate the situation even more. Instead, say something like I'm going to take a step back, but I will stay nearby if you need me.

Speaker 1:

You're still offering your support, but you're not crowding them. Just be sure safety is maintained for the student and others in the environment, and then acknowledge their emotions without trying to fix them. Just be sure safety is maintained for the student and others in the environment, and then acknowledge their emotions without trying to fix them. Sometimes the best thing you can say is I can tell this is really hard. I know you're upset and that's okay. I'm not mad at you or I'm here when you're ready to talk. You don't have to fix the problem in the moment. Just validate their experience and let them know they're not alone. That connection that you build with them will go a long way towards bridging that gap between you two. And then, lastly, let them calm before you debrief. This is a step that is most often skipped.

Speaker 1:

Once the student is regulated, your instinct is to go back as normal, go back to the status quo, but this is the time when you need to help the student process the situation together. This is the time for reflection, problem solving and reinforcing expectations, not when they're still in the red zone. So circle back later with something like let's talk about what happened earlier and how we can handle it next time. So, now that you have a list of do's and don'ts, I want to caution you that even the best strategies in the world can fall flat if they are introduced in the moment when emotions are already running high.

Speaker 1:

You cannot expect a student in fight, flight or freeze mode to suddenly be able to perform a strategy that you've never practiced together. That's why teaching regulation tools and responses before you need them is so important. Just like we can't expect a student to solve a math problem they've never been taught, we can't expect them to use regulation tools they've never been shown. Everything we just talked about staying calm, using visuals, giving space works so much better when it is not the first time they've heard it or experienced it. Introduce those calming strategies, those break options, visuals and expectations during moments of calm and not during moments of chaos, when we proactively teach and model what to do before a student is dysregulated. When we proactively teach and model what to do before a student is dysregulated, we are setting them up for success. So practice it and repeat it so often that it becomes second nature. These strategies need to be part of your everyday classroom rhythm so that students feel confident using them when it really counts.

Speaker 1:

One of the tools I love for this is my self-assessing student behavior manage my mood resource. Sometimes our students need more than just a quiet space or a break card. They need help learning how to recognize what they are feeling and why they are feeling it. This tool is designed to walk students through identifying their mood, reflecting on their triggers and exploring strategies to regulate themselves, all in a student-friendly, visual and interactive way. So what's included in this resource is a checklist to help students identify both strengths and triggers, a graphing tool that they can use to visualize their responses, a reflection form for gaining insight into what's working and what's not, another reflection sheet to brainstorm alternate behavior choices, a blank feelings thermometer that they can customize with their own emotional cues. And a colored feelings thermometer to use as a visual support in your classroom. This resource is especially great for students who struggle with outbursts or shutdowns. It gives them the language, the visuals and the structured process to self monitor in a way that feels empowering instead of punitive, and I like it because it's low prep for you and it's high impact for them, and right now it is 50% off for a limited time. It's a great opportunity to grab it and use it. Right alongside the de escalating strategies we've talked about in this episode. You can find the link to the Manage my Mood resource in the show notes. Next week we are wrapping up our September Behavior Series by discussing self-regulation strategies how we can actually teach our students to recognize and manage their own emotional states.

Speaker 1:

I've got another fantastic guest lined up. I've got another fantastic guest lined up for that one. So make sure you are subscribed and following the podcast so you don't miss it. I hope today's episode gives you some tools to tuck into your back pocket. Whether it's lowering your voice, stepping back or simply not taking the bait, your response can change everything. Thank you for joining me again this week. If you found this episode helpful, I would love it if you'd take a second to share it with a fellow educator or leave a quick review to help others find the show. Remember you are doing better than you think and the work you are doing is so important. See you next week.